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The Crying That Is Not Hers to Fix

Chapter 1The first job

On Tuesday afternoon, Chavi stands outside the door of the apartment next to her own.

It is her first babysitting job. Mrs. Lerner asked her yesterday, and Chavi said yes before she could think about it.

Now she thinks about it. The toddler inside is named Leibel. He is two years old. Chavi has never watched a child alone for more than ten minutes.

Mrs. Lerner opens the door with her coat on. "He had lunch and he is in a good mood. I will be at the dentist for an hour. I wrote the dentist's address on the fridge, and you know where we live. You are next door to your own mother, which helps."

"I know," says Chavi.

Chapter 2The door closes

Mrs. Lerner kisses Leibel, says "Be good for Chavi," and leaves.

The door clicks.

Leibel looks at the door. His lip begins to shake. Then he cries, loud and round, with his hands in fists.

Chavi freezes.

Chapter 3Everything she tries

She tries the block tower. Leibel pushes it over and cries harder.

She tries a song. Leibel cries over the song.

She tries a cracker. He throws it.

She picks up a toy truck and rolls it across the floor. He does not look at it.

Chavi thinks: I am bad at this. Mrs. Lerner should have asked someone else. Then she thinks of her mother next door. Knocking would be allowed. But first she wants to check one thing.

Her face gets hot. Her hands feel useless.

Chapter 4The thought she catches

Chavi checks the ordinary things first. His diaper is dry. He is not hot or hurt. He ate lunch an hour ago. Nothing is wrong that she can find.

Then she sits on the floor, a little away from Leibel, and breathes.

She notices what she is telling herself. If he is crying, I am failing. If he is still crying, I am failing more.

She asks herself a question. Is that true? Is he crying because I am bad at this? Or is he crying because his mother just left and he is two?

Chavi does not know for sure. But the second one sounds more likely.

Chapter 5A different job

Her mother once told her something about feelings. When a child is safe and has what he needs, you do not have to make a feeling stop. You can stay with it. And if something is wrong, or you do not know, you get a grown-up.

Chavi shifts closer to Leibel. She does not pick him up, yet. She sits near and says, quietly, "You miss Mommy. She is coming back. I am here."

Leibel cries.

"You can be sad," she says. "I will sit with you."

She stops trying to fix. She sits.

Chapter 6The quieter crying

After a few minutes, Leibel's crying gets softer. It goes in waves. He looks at her between waves.

Chavi holds out her arms. He climbs into her lap, hiccups and rests his head on her shoulder.

They stay like that. Chavi hums one slow line of a song, without trying to make it work.

When Leibel's breathing slows, he points at the truck.

"Truck," he says.

"Truck," says Chavi. She rolls it. He watches.

Chapter 7Mrs. Lerner comes back

An hour later, Mrs. Lerner opens the door and Leibel runs to her.

"How was it?" she asks.

"He cried a lot at first," says Chavi. "Then he calmed down. I mostly sat with him."

"That is exactly right," says Mrs. Lerner. "Thank you."

Chavi walks the few steps to her own door. Her hands are steady. She thinks about the crying that was not hers to fix, and the sitting that was.

She writes one line in her notes: Check needs first. If he is safe and fed, stay with the feeling. If it is more than that, get the grown-up next door.