Illustration coming soon

The Word She Cannot Find

Chapter 1An ordinary afternoon

There is nothing terrible to report about the afternoon.

Chaya finishes her homework. She reads a chapter about a family whose hat appears in three photographs on three different people. Then she helps Mama put the clean cups away.

Mama asks how the book is going.

"The hat keeps changing owners."

She tells that part. Mama laughs.

Then Chaya goes to her room. She doesn't want to open her reading book. She doesn't want to begin another notebook either.

Something about the evening feels difficult. She can't find a word that fits.

Chapter 2The list of names

Chaya writes a few words on scrap paper.

Sad. Angry. Worried. Tired.

She crosses out angry. Nobody did anything she wants to argue about.

She circles tired, then puts a question mark beside it. She might be tired. That doesn't seem like the whole answer.

Sad stays uncircled. She isn't sure.

Mama knocks and asks whether she wants company.

"Not yet."

Chaya turns the paper over. She doesn't want Mama to see four ordinary words defeated by one ordinary afternoon.

If she could say, "I'm disappointed about this," they could talk about this. If she could say, "I'm worried about that," they could talk about that.

Without the name, she thinks she has brought no proper question.

Chapter 3No finished sentence

At supper, Chaya speaks very little. Mama, whose burgundy tichel covers her hair fully, asks whether she is uncomfortable or feeling unwell.

"I don't think I'm ill. I just don't know what it is."

"You can tell me that."

"But I haven't worked it out."

Mama puts down her fork.

"Do you need something right now?"

Chaya looks at the plates. She wants Mama to sit with her after supper. That answer is easier than the four words on the paper.

"Could you keep me company for a little while?"

"Yes. We'll clear the table first, and then we can sit."

Chaya doesn't have to call it sadness to ask for a chair beside hers.

Chapter 4Plain things she knows

They sit in the front room. Chaya brings the scrap paper because she wants to show it, not because Mama asks for evidence.

"I kept trying these. None seemed exactly right."

Mama reads the words.

"A word can help. It doesn't have to be an entry ticket to talking."

Chaya describes what she does know. She enjoyed part of the book. The rest of the afternoon felt difficult. She hasn't felt like starting anything. Company sounds better than questions about tomorrow.

Mama listens without naming the feeling for her.

"Maybe something unpleasant happened at school," Chaya says. "Maybe I just haven't remembered the bad part."

"Was there a part you want help with?"

Chaya thinks. No hidden insult or argument comes to mind.

"Not one I know about."

They don't invent one to make the conversation look complete.

Chapter 5Not a search that must win

Mama asks whether Chaya wants to keep talking, sit quietly or read a short piece together.

Chaya chooses quiet company first.

After a while, she wants to tell another story from the book. The borrowed hat wasn't the only repeated thing. One little chair appears in a kitchen picture and later in a garden picture.

They talk about the chair. Chaya laughs once.

She nearly takes that laugh as proof she had exaggerated the difficult evening.

Then she remembers she has described an evening, not claimed she will be miserable every minute of it.

"It's a little easier now," she says. "I still can't name it properly."

"You don't have to finish the search tonight."

Mama doesn't promise that company will answer every difficult feeling. If Chaya keeps feeling unsettled, feels unwell or needs more help, they will talk again and get suitable support.

Chapter 6A word later

The next afternoon, Chaya looks at the scrap again.

Tired seems closer today. She still isn't sure that it describes everything. Yesterday she had treated one word as though it had to carry the whole afternoon.

She tells Mama what seems clearer and what still does not.

They don't announce that the mystery is solved forever. Chaya can rest, read and help with an ordinary small job when she has room. If something else becomes clear, she can say it then.

She puts the paper with her other scraps. It isn't a diagnosis or a report card.

Chapter 7A shorter beginning

A few days later, Mama asks how school was.

Chaya has a clear answer about the geography lesson and an unclear one about the break afterward.

"I enjoyed the lesson. I don't know what I felt after break, but I'd like to tell you what happened."

Mama brings her cup to the table.

Chaya begins with the part she knows. This time, she doesn't wait outside her own conversation for the perfect word to let her in.